Stupid Human Joke About Why Dogs Don't Use Computers

My mom saw this joke on another site and thought it was clever. I don't think it's clever at all. I and many of my fellow blogging dogs (and kitties) are living proof that we CAN and DO use 'puters just fine! But here is the stupid human joke anyway, with my commentary, of course.

20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
(Lame. Just a lame joke.)

19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
(Oh, yes, very clever!)

18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
(Stop, please...I must catch my breath.)

17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
(Oh, you are killing me. I cannot control my laughter.)

16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail".
(ha ha ha, soooo funny...that's right, all dogs attack the mail man. If that's not a sweeping generalization I don't know what is!)

15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
(Yes, becaus all dogs pee on fire hydrants. Riiight. We can't pee on anything else. And there IS no fire hydrant icon on my computer!)

14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
(This one doesn't even make sense to me, but my mom snickered...human jokes are so dumb.)

13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG Frisbee.
(Again...just lame.)

12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
(Oh, stop insulting our intelligence!)

11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
(Now this is actually a good point...there really aren't any emoticons for dogs or cats.)

10. On, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
(Really? When does it come out? I want to test the beta version! What? That was just a joke? Humans are so cruel.)

9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.
(Well, that is a concern for humans as well as dogs...but not a funny joke. Haha, my dog can't move his paw without pain...oh, that's HI-LARIOUS!)

8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
(Now I did find this funny! Sorry kitties...)

7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
(Well, I could see how that would be a problem. But again, not funny...)

6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
(I researched this and found that this is another cruel hoax...there is no software called "SmellU-SmellMe". Cruel joke!)

5. SIT & STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
(Who are the humans calling geeks?)

4. Saliva-coated mouse get might difficult to maneuver.
(Well yeah, if you're clumsy enough to drool on it! Oh - this may affect my mastiff type brothers...sorry...)

3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
(Oh, another stereotype - all dogs hump their owners legs...riiiight. We are not maniacs! I am a civilized dog and use that type of canine communication only with other dogs, thank you very much!)

2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than on-line chat rooms.
(Well, since you can't smell anything online anyway, what's the point of typing "sniff sniff? Humans are so wierd!)

And the Number 1 Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers...


1. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P:AzWqS. *

*(Translation - Too damn hard to type with paws.)
-Contributed by Mary Green to the Tulsa Dog Training Club's August '96 newsletter, "PawPrints"

Well, thank you SO MUCH, Mary Green! I only hope that I can combat the sweeping generalizations that were made about dogkind in this peice of human propaganda!